Finding Grace in Chaos
This series is about getting back to what matters most to me. It is about getting back down to the basics. Simplifying and finding the joy in life. Having little kids, you are often running at a million miles an hour, picking up messes and spills, planning out meals, breaking up fights, loading and unloading a thousand loads of laundry every day. Your mind is racing just as much as your body to keep up, thinking about what bills need to be paid and if you have enough money to cover everything this month, to doctor appointments that need to be made to worrying about if your kids are developing okay, or the horrible thoughts of what happens if I die, who will care for them the same way?
I thought I was alone in a lot of these thoughts until I started to talk to other moms, who seem to always have the same things running through their minds as well. We often do not share a lot of these things with others, thinking we will be judged, we judge ourselves for feeling the way we do, and we have guilt about almost everything. We miss moments when we could just be alone, but as soon as we get those moments, we miss our babies faces while they are sleeping, and we are up tossing and turning in bed.
For me, having postpartum and anxiety really made it difficult me most times to make it through the day. It has been two years since I had my boys and I still have monthly struggles of anxiety and sometimes even those lingering feelings of depression. I knew I needed to do something to fix this, but I did not want to take medication ( a personal choice of mine ) so I started traditional therapy. Though it was useful, I still was lacking something.
After we had wildfires come through our area last fall (2017), I was shaken to my core. Realizing how fast everything could be taken away from me. But I wasn’t thinking about the possessions I had, I was thinking of my family. What if, God forbid, we were one of those families trying to get out of our homes and what if one or more of us did not make it out. The thought of this haunted me for weeks and this combined with my postpartum struggles, sent me somewhere familiar, somewhere I craved many times over but never fully followed through.
It was to God.
There were various times in my life that I had gone back to church. There were many times I prayed to God. Many times, through my difficult pregnancy actually. But I never gave it too much thought, it was just something I did because I had grown up Catholic, though by the time I was a teenager, we rarely ever attended church and my faith was not something I was at all connected to.
We discussed having the boys baptized since, we both were raised Catholic and it was important to us, but we never discussed more about what our faith would be like in raising our boys.
Up until recently.
We both (my fiancé and myself) started to have REAL conversations about this and realized how truly important our faith was. I found myself crying many times over the fact that I had stepped away from all of it and how much I wanted it to be part of my family’s life.
But that is the thing with God. You can step away, but as soon as you are ready to come back to it, He is there. He has been waiting the entire time.
I felt a little weird at first about sharing this. I almost was not going to share my journey in coming back to my faith. To simplifying my life. But this blog is supposed to be about helpful tips for moms. Some moms might resonate with these stories and others may not. But it is a VERY important part of my journey and in everything I write about, I know I am being guided. So, to hide this part of myself, didn’t only not feel right, but it also felt selfish.
Perhaps me sharing my journey will help another mom who is lost. Maybe like me you were raised with some belief of God, but then stepped away and now as a mother, you still feel like there is something that you are missing. Maybe you need something greater than your own strength to help you get through these sometimes chaotic, mentally exhausting moments.
As part of my Blog, The Mommying Life, I will share more about this journey as well about finding the joys in simplifying life. I am not changing the fact that I will write about healthy living or motherhood because I think a lot of that ties in together. You just might see a little more about faith sprinkled in here and there than before! I hope with all my heart that it will helpful to you and to your family.